Identity rewrite Chapter One - "In the Cold Rain" - notes

So here we are again, starting from the beginning, except the beginning is very different from what came before. In a lot of ways, this first chapter is a microcosm of the whole rewrite project—I’ve found it more natural to be liberal with changes, rather than to be minimal. This rewrite is far more than a tweaking; it’s more like an entirely new writing process. This makes the process a laborious and long, but I feel the end result will be much better for it.

This is the first chapter of the new version, and as such, a lot rides on it being representative of the work as a whole. I felt like the old version didn’t really do that, and so damage was done in causing a misleading expectation. That is a big part of what I wanted to correct with the rewrite. I can comfortably say that this new version sets a tone much more in line with the overall tenor of the piece, and I’m glad for that.

By the same token, it also discards a lot of stuff that was in the original first “chapter,” and so, while I’ve had this chapter written for a while, I was hesitant to push forward with it and publish until I had a comfortable idea of where all that background would come back in. I feel like that’s done now, so I can go ahead with this.

So now, what do we have? A slightly different take on the Sorcerers arriving at Jusenkyō. I always felt it was too coincidental that they arrived just when Ranma did; in a way, I still couldn’t avoid that, even with them coming two days prior. The timing with Ranma having to leave China, go through the wedding disaster, other stuff, and come back still made it really quite convenient. I hoped two days between would just retain enough suspension of disbelief to work, but it still bothers me. Any longer, however, would make things very problematic. How long can the Guide keep quiet? How long can Plum survive on her own?

Note that Ranma’s call comes in just as the Sorcerers are attacking, also. This is more a matter of convenience than the plot hinging on it, as if Ranma hadn’t been cut-off mid-call, he would still come to the same ultimate conclusion. It just gives a little more punch being able to see it happen.

What’s changed in the three years since I started this story is that I’ve largely shed the minimalist approach I had back then, feeling that I had a tendency to try to do very complicated stories without enough scaffolding to keep people anchored. The result is less dialogue heavy and should require a lot less reading into things. On the whole, I feel it’s better to say what I mean early and often, to make sure it’s not missed or overlooked. It’s not going to be perfect, though.

One thing I tried to do this time was start off with the Sorcerers having a much better and more cohesive set of powers. The Captain, for instance, now boasts a much more impressive array of abilities, focusing on abstract ki manipulation as opposed to the more concrete powers of her men. I felt that this would make her more distinctive and unique.

Otherwise, most of this chapter really took shpae on its own. Based on feedback from pre-readers, I toned down some hijinks between Ranma and Kunō that made Ranma come off a bit sociopathic, as well as drawing out the timeline to give Ranma and company adequate time to get back home from China in the first place. I added a scene where Ranma contemplates killing a partridge, which I hoped would serve to better setup his decision to spare the Captain. It’s not that killing her, after she’d done so much damage, would be wrong per se, but Ranma is afraid he’s become too callous, too bloodthirsty, and to err on the side of caution, to show mercy, makes him more sure he’s a good man.

Because a lot of the details of Ranma’s motivations are deferred to later, I think the chapter is well-focused, and the personal story, while it can be understood, does not overwhelm the action. In other words, I’m happy with the balance here. It’s not appropriate to balloon the story too large too fast.

It’s my hope that the first chapter provides a digestible introduction to the story now, one that raises questions. Who are these Sorcerers? What do they want, and what does it have to do with Saffron? How will Ranma escape? What spurred him on to return to China, even though he clearly doesn’t want to be there, and claim his cure? What curse does the Captain bear?

That is the role of an introduction, after all—to raise questions, hopefully intriguing ones.

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First Ones 04 - "The Archon" notes

It was with some chagrin that I realized, after having avoided writing chapter three from Nozomi’s perspective, that there was really no way to avoid writing this chapter from Maya’s perspective. I know one of my prereaders had campaigned vigorously for that chapter to be told from Nozomi’s point of view, so it was a bit awkward. Still, aside from the pragmatic issues (it would’ve been difficult to tell this chapter from Shinji’s point of view, just on the level of how involved he could’ve been), there was one reason I found this approach ultimately best: I’d started running out of issues for Shinji to confront. Perhaps that was poor planning on my part, but on the other hand, it meant I could explore another person’s issues without the distancing of using Shinji’s point of view. So, ultimately I’m comfortable with this approach, and for a while, I plan to rotate POV characters, making this more of an ensemble piece. Shinji will return to the forefront, and I do worry about balancing when that should happen.

But that’s an issue to confront later. For now, we have Maya, an unusual choice of protagonist, I’m sure, despite her status as a fan-favorite in some circles. This chapter about Maya and the Cult of Lilith is one I’ve had in mind for some time. This is really the point the Cult serves in the story, I should say.

Aside from her “cult” status among the cast, Maya is the last person you’d expect to be a Cultist, and I chose that deliberately. I felt her background would lend to her searching for a new direction, and Maya has always been a character who believed wholeheartedly in the goodness of civilization and science. In that sense, I felt her new role wasn’t so much of a stretch after all.

I had a fair number of ideas about how this chapter would play out that I ultimately changed even before I finished outlining. I’d originally thought Eisheth would appear to Maya as Masuyo and serve to subvert the Cult that way, without Maya even realizing she was being deceived until very late, but I quickly discarded that notion, for it didn’t flow well with others. I’d also thought Maya would meet with Shinji over lunch, and we’d realize she was a Cultist only after, but that didn’t fit with the ending of last chapter, so I chose to reverse the reveal instead. Masuyo mentions Archon Juniper in chapter one, remember? And Shinji clearly knows her and who she is.

The bit about Nozomi’s attacker exploding himself into goo was something I’d briefly had in a draft of chapter three, but I decided to cut it and put it here instead because it really helped ground the opening and didn’t fit in three. I expanded the scene dramatically with Maya’s involvement. Of course, the man could’ve popped himself as soon as he was captured, but his purpose here is to intimidate the characters and, by extension, the audience. This was a concern that was relayed to me about last chapter—that to an extent, Eisheth didn’t present a pervasive threat. It’s true chapter three presented a bit of a lull in terms of Eisheth’s large scale campaign, so I set about to try to change that. The vanguard’s rhetoric is confident, and his cohorts’ efforts to subvert existing institutions and groups, to plant eyes where Maya would find them—they serve to foster anxiety and fear. These are the reasons people would turn to Eisheth, and she and her followers all know that.

The theme of this chapter is hope in the face of despair, in spite of things we wanted that we never got, that we regretted but could never fix. Maya is searching for Ritsuko, or to replace her with Ami, and her inability to move on complicates her existing relationship. Ami, in turn, is dating a woman who strikingly resembles her dead girlfriend, Minori. Archon Camellia refuses to trust SDF or the government after her son was killed, and Lorenz has come back spefically to recruit from people who have found only despair in the new world.

There is also a secondary element of trust vs. suspicion and paranoia. Eisheth promotes suspicion and fear, and Maya’s inability to trust people with relgious faith (as opposed to her own logical belief in the goodness of what Rei has done) contributes to the debacle at Camellia’s apartment. Camellia’s own intransigent suspicion, along with Misato’s refusal to trust that Camellia might realize the truth, plays a part as well.

Let me speak a bit on the character of Ami. When I first conceived of her, I had in mind someone who worked most to mitigate the connotations of the word cult. She’s blonde, fair, pretty, upbeat, and caring. That’s a good start. Her dark backstory is something I came up with rather suddenly, to contrast against Maya’s refusal to tell her own story. I figured that people’s stories of how they came back from the sea and why would be important in the Cult. I admit I wondered whether it made sense for Ami to be so idealistic despite that experience, but in part, I viewed it as being something of a defense mechanism, too. Ami is very little like Ritsuko, and that’s purposeful. Any resemblance is only superficial, to emphasize how faintly Maya is grasping for something like Ritsuko (or for contact in general), and Maya’s hesitation to enter into a relationship with Ami shows how she’s still holding a candle for Ritsuko, waiting and hoping for her to come back.

I realized some ways through the outlining of this chapter that I needed to really keep things moving. The end of this chapter should come with some distinct change in the circumstances and move the story forward. It seems like an obvious maxim, but it’s still something I had to ponder. I decided that the time for Eisheth to wait and let things develop had to be over. This is the beginning of her efforts in earnest to destabilize human civilization as a whole, even before her main invasion force arrives. Hence, Eisheth’s Reckoning. The honeymoon is over. Things are about to get worse, and the anticipation over what Eisheth’s Reckoning is and how it may come about is, I hope, what keeps this chapter focused and gives the story the forward momentum it needs in the coming chapters.

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First Ones 03 - The Sixth Child - Notes

It’s been a long while. In truth, I had the basics of this chapter worked out around a month ago, but the polishing effort has been slow and meticulous. Even then, as usual, I found a number of errors in this chapter after posting, but really, my intention was to get everything done and to a point where I felt I could move on more than anything else.

That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy writing this chapter. Far from it, I’m quite happy with the result and the balance between Shinji and Nozomi, how they both have grown from this experience.

My first draft of this chapter was pretty similar to what you see before you now up until Shinji wakes up from having tried to synch with the Eva. At that point, he and Asuka would’ve gone through files and realized that Nozomi was a prospective pilot and gone over to the Horaki apartment to talk it over with the family. Asuka considers Hikari a close friend, after all, and such would be a minimal courtesy. It was around that point, however, that I grew unhappy with the draft. It was taking a long time to get to Nozomi at all (this was about 9000 words in), so I decided to rewrite from Nozomi’s perspective instead. I completed that draft and was pleased that I’d been forced to come up with more background for her and her family and her growth—this is where the dynamics of her family and their issues really came together—but I was unhappy with that draft, too, for it made Shinji into a guardian/mentor figure who only served to guide Nozomi. He didn’t have much of a story of his own. So I went back to the original draft and incorporated Nozomi’s growth into that, and that’s what we have now.

The first section of this chapter deals with immediate aftermath from Eisheth’s attack. It should be noted that Misato is the one giving the press conference. Despite her rank, she is one of the most important post-Instrumentality figures in Japan, if not among the human race, and I consider her exact rank within the GSDF to be of little importance. She does what she wants, and few people are really in a position to stop her without incurring great backlash.

Part of the importance of the first section (through the end of the press conference) is to establish the theme of people seeking validation. Asuka shows Shinji affection and takes pride in him over what he did to tell Eisheth off in chapter two. Of course, there’s a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes regarding the overall political situation thanks to this announcement—something I haven’t really explored in detail yet but should be prominent in the next few chapters.

By popular demand, Kyōko returns briefly with tales of debauchery and scientific interests—sometimes with the two more intermingled than the rest of us might find sane.

The second big part of this chapter is Shinji trying to pilot and being forced to take up a more modest role instead. Of course, none of us know why 14-year-olds were chosen to be pilots. I tried to neatly gloss over the why in favor of what Shinji might experience with this connection to the Eva not working nearly as well as it should. Hopefully it was something no one really noticed at that moment.

Nepers are a logarithmic unit similar to decibels. People know decibels, though. Nepers sound appropriately exotic for this, though, and they give a much more logical way to talk about strength of a signal or a connection than very small percentages.

The Hachibuse Mountain Complex was modeled somewhat around Stargate Command. You might notice that the cage is placed on the same level as the gate room, for instance.

In one of my drafts, the children Maeda and Nagase that I mention Shinji interviewing actually died during Eisheth’s attack at the end of the chapter. When I ended up killing the security guard in Nozomi’s building, too, I felt it was inappropriate to show one death on screen and add a couple more from off-screen. Ironically, this made a lot of their background that I introduced less impactful, but I left it in to give the impression that there was much more scope to the program than just Nozomi. And indeed, the way it works out is that it all proves to be part of Shinji realizing he can and should take a proactive role in guiding these children.

Now we’re at Nozomi, the youngest Horaki sister. I’m sure this has been done a lot—taking a minor character that was never really seen or heard from and giving them a personality and motives from scratch. It’s really only one step below creating an original character, but I feel that one step is a big one. There seems to be a general aversion to accepting original characters in a lot of communities, so it does matter. Still, one has to be wary to avoid making the character too perfect or too well-liked (or the opposite—too imperfect to the point of parody). No one wants to read a Mary Sue, after all. In point of fact, I’d originally thought to create up to three pilots—Nozomi, a younger sister for Kensuke, and possibly Tōji’s younger sister, too—but I quickly realized that was too much to develop all at once. Shinji is the main character here. He’s the one who needs someone to bounce off of. One pilot was plenty, and that drove some of the decisions regarding how many Eva there were and so on.

As I said, though, the issues regarding Nozomi’s family and their interactions were something I didn’t have pinned down well until the second draft. Until then, Nozomi’s father didn’t appear at all, and while I could justify not having a mother around, excluding a father was a real oversight on my part. So here, he is a workaholic reporter with some regrets over how long he’s away from his girls, representing the middle ground between Hikari’s desire to shield Nozomi from any burdens and Kodama’s insistence that she pilot. All three of these are really toned down compared to how prevalent they were in the Nozomi-POV draft, and I think not being too overbearing about them helps balance the chapter.

Nozomi herself is an interesting girl. You might notice that she addresses her sisters by “Hikari” and “Kodama”—i.e. without any respectful adornments. Even Shinji is just “Ikari” to her. Though the idea that she looked up to and respected Shinji was always there (she even had a little shrine to him in one draft), it’s something she generally keeps to herself. She may have her interest piqued, as during the interview when Shinji finally speaks up, but she doesn’t go fangirl gush over him.

Nozomi’s interest in art is her defining hobby, and at one point in her draft, there was more of a scene between her as the art club president Sasaki, which would’ve made clear how infatuated he is with her, something that Nozomi is unaware of as yet.

Originally, Nozomi drew Shinji tending to her after she’d slapped him, but when I rewrote the last battle scene, Shinji with the fire extinguisher really won out. It also introduced an error that I had to correct, since in the original drawing, Asuka was in the background half undressed. Clearly she is nowhere in sight for the current version.

How often do people resolve their issues with family in one conversation? Not often. I hope that Nozomi’s failure to find validation from her family initially seems realistic for that reason.

It was important to establish that whatever the Zenunim from chapter two were doing, they wouldn’t be sneaking around into cities to wreak havoc. To me, Eisheth isn’t interested in doing that anyway. She will make narrow attacks on points of targeted interest. Still, you might notice that Misato has some throwaway lines about detectors that Asuka and Kyōko’s work has helped with. This actually allowed me to integrate them more tightly into the whole effort, too. Knowing that, though, it becomes clearer why Eisheth would turn to human followers instead. Just where these followers come from will be explored in chapter four.

I tried to make the security guard in the Horaki family’s building sympathetic enough. This is actually the third version of this battle scene—the first happening without Shinji at all and from Nozomi’s POV, the second from Shinji’s POV with copious SDF support that made him superfluous, and now. A lot of the basic elements are the same: a man breaks into the Horaki apartment, wounds the father, disables Kodama for a time, and Nozomi and Hikari hide out in Nozomi’s room. Nozomi persuades Hikari to listen to her, hears from her father that he does care what she does, and Kodama stabs the attacker with one of her precious knives (remember how Nozomi talked about them with Shinji earlier?), saying that she always believed Nozomi had that kind of courage within her. That’s all the point of what’s going on here. The attacker seeks validation from Eisheth for his deeds, but it’s Nozomi who has those issues resolved instead.

In this draft, I went with something that would keep Shinji involved—he’s the only one who can help Nozomi here once the officer shoots the guard (which I hope came across as logical given that the officer had weapons of his own, if only a stun gun).

All throughout this chapter, Shinji has been trying his best to guide the children, to temper their enthusiasm but also give them hope. It’s a tough balance to strike, and knowing how many children leave the program after Eisheth’s attack, as well as the damage that was done to Nozomi and her family even before Eisheth struck, I hope it’s reasonable that Shinji would feel like perhaps his efforts are better spent elsewhere. Still, this is his story, and Nozomi’s not going to just let him walk away. As she says, what is a hero supposed to be? The grand, implacable person that we might imagine in our fantasies? Or is Shinji that hero now, despite how his looks and demeanor don’t fit with our image of what he should be? Nozomi’s opinion on this is clear, of course, and Shinji, too, has found some validation in his life. That, ultimately, is the theme of this chapter: where Eisheth believed humans were incapable of recognizing each other and giving each other hope, Shinji and Nozomi have proved that it is possible, and that is just one reason why Eisheth must be fought.

In the long run, I look forward to having Nozomi pilot against the most bizarre monstrosities Eisheth can imagine with Shinji in the Hachibuse Mountain control room, looking on and trying to give advice and guidance as best he can. That’s why I’m happy with this draft—it emphasizes that Shinji is in a new position, having to look after someone, rather than enduring trials all by himself. In that sense, Nozomi is a reflection of him. She’s obviously not the same. She’s forward where Shinji might be deferential. She’s a bit odd and has interests that don’t intersect with his own, but they have the same drive inside them throughout this chapter.

Finally, there used to be a hook at the end of this chapter for what would come in chapter four, but I decided against it, preferring an ending that simply concludes this chapter in a more general way. I guess cliffhangers and I have had a falling out, but rest assured, the path from here is clear for me. There are more followers of Eisheth on earth, and mankind will not be safe until they are found and rooted out. The key to that effort will be the Cult of Lilith and Archon Juniper (mentioned in chapter one). Who do you think that person might be?

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Identity 8.5 - Divergence

I really struggled with parts of this chapter, knowing how crucial it was to get Ranma and Akane’s interactions right. Changes I’d made to earlier in “No Place of Sanctuary” had to be reflected, and as a result, there is in general more understanding between Ranma and Akane, even if they don’t see eye-to-eye right away or get along without some tense moments. In the end, though, I’m happy with the end result. Ranma and Akane are making progess and trying to overcome their insecurities and fears. I think that clear sense of momentum is important.

Where Ranma, Ukyō, Kohl, and Shampoo have all had something to say in these past few chapters, this is Akane’s turn (and she doesn’t even get the entire chapter to herself). This is where she can shine and show her bravery—which isn’t meant to prove her worth to Ranma (that’s what Shampoo hopes for) but to show that he needn’t worry, that she doesn’t need his protection. On a moral level, Akane is the most well-intentioned character of them all. While she may fall into moments of jealousy or anger from time to time, I think she has a keen awareness of how those reflect poorly on her and how they represent flaws in her character. Even though Shampoo once tried to kill Akane (and, unbeknownst to anyone but Shampoo, seriously considered trying again), Akane would never leave Shampoo out there alone.

I created the character of the new captain, Liesun, out of necessity, for Xiu was a traitor, and Kohl is obviously in no position to lead. Where Kohl’s ultimately loyal to the people and doing his duty, Liesun is loyal to Sindoor, making her reckless and fanatical as a result.

Ranma’s gambit to get the souvenirs out of the house and Akane along with them was my attempt to have him do something productive while still dealing with his fears. I felt this was necessary, or else Ranma’s desire to protect Akane would become obstructive and hampering.

Of course, one should infer that Kohl is the one who led the Sorcerers to the Tendō home and that when he describes Liesun, he’s not being entirely truthful. Because that scene is from Akane’s perspective, we can’t know what’s going through Ranma’s mind at the time, but his caution in detailing where the box is should be noted. Remember that Ranma is not generally a trusting person, and particularly when he’s suspicious of Kohl anyway, there’s only one natural choice here. I, for one, think that Ranma’s tactical plan here is particularly canny: because he doesn’t actually need to defend the inside of the house, he can keep picking off Sorcerers and only go inside when there’s no chance of getting boxed in.

When Ranma says that the box isn’t in the house at all, Kohl quickly realizes that Akane and Ryōga (or perhaps the rest of the family) have made off with it instead. While he doesn’t know exactly where Ucchan’s is, he can give a general idea. I’d originally planned to have Kohl meet Ukyō at some point, but it didn’t pan out for 8.3. When Ranma goes to find Kohl, it’s just after Kohl has doped himself up with vision dust to get the message out. In retrospect, this might’ve been a good time to change perspectives and make all that explicit.

I never thought Akane would be willing to sit still at Ukyō’s, even knowing how Ranma was afraid for her. Ukyō is responsible for Akane’s safety; she naturally takes the lead, and that’s the role I think Ukyō will embrace going forward. She’s a generally level, well-meaning person also, but where Akane can be idealistic, Ukyō has it in her to be more pragmatic. She’s been through rough stuff in her life, so she knows it’s not all cherry blossoms and roses out there.

It’s somewhat convenient that Ranma and Akane can’t be killed—at least, not by the Sorcerers who need them, who need Ranma to be the Sieve at some point—but I see no way around that, and at least it gives a reason why they won’t die (at least for a while) aside from heavy-duty plot armor.

In truth, I never really planned on destroying the Tendō home at all, but I realized that given the stakes, it was time to give a real sense of damage and change. I was going to have the kiss scene at the end here take place in the walkway to the dojo, mirroring the scenes earlier that took place there, but this makes more sense, at it’s understandable for Ukyō to see them in a more open area, and the umbrella is a cultural symbol for romance in Japan. And Ukyō, while endeavoring to maintain some sense of personal integrity, is driven to join forces with Shampoo and Ryōga, marking the creation of a pact that was also one of my major goals with this story arc. Both the kiss and the pact were scenes I’d long had in mind.

Identity will be on break for a while during the rewrite, but a couple parts of “The Wanderer” are written, and I hope to be back as soon as possible. More on the rewrite in a later post.

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About the Identity rewrite

As I announced at the end of “Divergence,” I’m rewriting Identity, and it seemed appropriate to explain this decision, which I’ve taken for several reasons. A writer’s style and capabilities are constantly changing, and were it for those reasons alone, I would not be rewriting this story, though they’ve played heavily in what I consider room to improve. Rather, my biggest concern has been, in my opinion, an error in presentation.

When I originally published the first chapter, “In the Cold Rain,” I did so as a single unit. That was about 30-35 thousand words in one big chunk, and one reviewer said point-blank that it was long (addictive, perhaps, but long). I stayed with this for chapter two, but as I continued, I felt unhappy with the structure, and building off the numbered sections I’d been using in Echoes, I split off each section as an installment in its own right, and typically, these were shorter, as small as 3000 words on the small end to 12000 or so with “Scars,” but again, much shorter.

Nevertheless, one big problem with this structure was that the story’s first chapter was spread out over five or six “effective” chapters when it wasn’t designed to be told that way. It’s also very heavy in flashback right off the bat, with the scenes taking place in the present at Jusenkyō being very small in comparison to the backstory that takes place in Japan. More than that, it gives the impression that the relationship issues will be the overriding focus of the piece when, just one chapter later, they aren’t dealt with at all.

So ultimately, my hope is to present a more uniform experience, one that gives a better idea of what kind of story Identity is right from the start. It is a serious tale, with heavy action components, but the Ranma/Akane relationship is also very important to the character growth. It’s a tough balance to find, but I believe I can do it, and in doing so, I can tighten up the prose considerably, making it more consistent with my style and philosophy of storytelling at this time. When I started Identity, I worked under the theory that the audience should understand as much as possible right away to fully appreciate what they were reading. In the years since, however, particularly in the last twelve months, I’ve moved away from that view. I still believe in clarity, but some things need not be approached or discussed right away, and benefit of limited viewpoints keeps things tractable, organized in a way that the audience can discover things as the characters do.

Two chapters totalling about 30,000 words are completed for the rewrite, and I’m working on the third. There’s a lot of new material, though some is recycled or minimally altered from the original version. I hope that this will lessen with subsequent chapters. Currently, chapter one is an expanded battle between Ranma and the Sorcerers at Jusenkyō which introduces them and explores Ranma’s state of mind. Chapter two is similar to “The Village” in its entirety, but streamlined a bit to stand on its own.

Overall, the changes I have in mind for the story will make some things play out a bit differently, but the story is recognizably Identity. I do not know when I will finish this rewrite project, but rest assured, I am fully invested in the completion of this story, as I always have been.

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First Ones 02 - Eisheth

I wrote about the first four thousand words of this chapter and stopped, unsettled, thinking it was not going to develop correctly or be as long as I’d hoped. As always, estimates of length are quite poor in general, and this ended up being longer than chapter one, despite my initial expectations.

Where best to begin than the beginning, huh? Let’s see here. I’d long had the idea that Eisheth would appear to Shinji not as a Rei or Kaworu knock-off but using something more familiar and, hence, all the more unsettling. I think Eisheth would appear to individuals differently. Shinji sees the cultist Masuyo, but others might see someone else. The constancy of the design of her clothing—always having the pattern of five buttons or other adornments in the same pattern as her eyes—should be a bit of a clue as to who’s talking to Shinji even before it’s made clear. It also, to me, captures an idea that Eisheth can’t be completely perceived, but parts of what she really is leak through.

The idea of this chapter is that Shinji is reluctant to speak out and embrace his status as a public figure for the greater good, but in the end, he realizes the necessity of doing so, that he has to stand up and speak out. This first section of the chapter, concerning the passengers in the traincar, sets up Shinji’s reluctance to act. The conductor is the good, responsible man, trying to do what’s right amid a horde of panicking people, who are—as Eisheth says—slaves to their fears. And Shinji isn’t able to stand up and make a difference before it’s too late for any of them.

The scene with Shinji in the lavatory was originally going to be when Shinji and Rei spoke again for the first time, but I ended up pushing that back to later. Rei being ever-present throughout the rest of the chapter made the feel and dynamics of it very awkward. I felt it was much more powerful to have Shinji be alone for this first section, unknowing and unaware of what would happen and forced to try to cope, to survive. It really lends to the horror feel of this chapter as a result. Otherwise, Shinji’s attempt at a ruse should show that he is a little bolder than before.

The use of tentacled monsters is, of course, something largely overdone in Lovecraftian work, but I did try to add something unique to these creatures, in terms of their sunction-cupped bodies and lack of hands but fingerlike appendages even still. I figure the Zenunim would be able to cling to ceilings or walls thanks to the suction cups, for example, which would give them a real tactical advantage. In keeping with their purpose, they carry no weapons, and their only real ability is to dissolve people back into LCL. Eisheth is not, in her mind, evil, nor does she wish indiscriminate death on people. Her children’s form is in keeping with this philosophy.

At last, Rei appears to Shinji directly and plays a part in saving him when he’s cornered by the Zenunim. There’s a lot about what Rei has become that I can’t really get into yet, but rest assured, I have a lot of her nature and abilities worked out.

All along in chapter one, I knew Misato and Rei would be in it together as far as the fight against Eisheth, and while originally I hadn’t planned for Misato to play such a significant role in this chapter, I’m happy with how it turned out. I don’t think what she’s been involved in should be much of a surprise, but it’s still fun to see.

By the by, on the name “Eisheth Zenunim”—the name comes from Kabbalah. Lilith, Naamah, Agrat Bat Mahlat, and Eisheth make up a group of four demons called “Angels of Sacred Prostitution.” I fully intend for Agrat and Naamah to be among the seven Seeds of Life.

Originally, I planned for there to be several mad people, touched by the influence of Eisheth and the Zenunim while tanged, but I reduced it down to one, feeling that one person would be the most impactful. Actually, this whole scene after Shinji and Rei meet in the LCL sea was originally Shinji being rescued by uknown SDF members and having to hole up in a traincar while more creatures came after them, hoping for help to arrive. The main element, however, of someone taking up a gun against the others remains the same. Here, I think it’s more powerful because it’s a threat against Shinji’s life here, as opposed to one against a nameless bunch of extras. I’m really quite happy with this scene.

A consequence, however, was that a lot of exposition about Misato and her efforts was needed to make her entrance make sense. The natural question would’ve been, “Misato-san, how did you know I was here?” So Misato and Rei’s involvement could not be hidden any longer. It also means that Eva-14 appears a little before I’d originally meant for it to. Actually, this probably represents a bit of a coming around in my outlines, for I’d planned on it appearing, then wrote it out, then wrote it back in in this final draft.

(It’s also Eva-14 due to a bit of a goof on my part. For whatever dumb reason, I forgot that Toji piloted Eva-03. I wrote Eva-04 by mistake and started counting up MP Evas from there. With 9 MP Evas, the new unit should be 13, not 14, but I think we can excuse the Japanese trying to skip that number, as long as 13 exists…somewhere.)

I said at the start of these notes that Shinji was meant to realize he needed to speak up and be heard and stand up for humanity, and it actually surprised me a little how much he ended up doing so. I thought to myself, “Man, this could be a little cheesy.” But on balance, I stuck with it because that is exactly what I wanted to get across. In a lot of ways, though the subject matter is bleak, this is about the good guys fighting to represent humanity in the best way possible, to justify our existence as individuals. They are going to face trials and hardships, yes, but the one thing they will not do is questions whether mankind is worth fighting for. This represents a bit of a departure for me, as Identity is all about people questioning themselves, but I feel that having any of these characters backtrack that way would be a trite. No, more than that—it would be a betrayal of what they learned in the series and End of Evangelion. If these characters were to step back that way, I would just be retreating stuff Anno did much better than I ever could, so I will not do that.

In that way, though, what I’m left with are the pieces for a reconstruction of Evangelion. The comments in the SpaceBattles thread already seem to have picked up on that, comparing Shinji to Simon of Gurren Lagann for example.

That Eva-14 does not yet have a pilot will prove the major plot point of chapter three, “The Sixth Child,” and while I will say that the pilot won’t be Shinji, I’ll also say it won’t be an entirely original character, either.

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Identity 8.4 - Wounds of a Warrior

I’m a bit late with this, as I’ve been working on several projects at once, and some of my tardiness will be explained in the coming weeks.

But let’s get started here. This installment is all about Shampoo, and her outsider’s mindset is something that presents a unique challenge. I feel that Shampoo has a very absolutist mentality. Things either are, or they aren’t, and there isn’t a lot of room between the two. Ranma is the man she’s bound to, the only one who excites her, and that’s that. Akane is weak and unworthy of him. Ukyō is too unwilling to do what it takes, and Ryōga’s attraction to Akane is something she can’t understand, either. The challenge for Shampoo is that she has these opinions about all these people, and each of them has a kernel of truth, but reality is more nuanced than the way she sees it. To me, her attraction to Ranma is intense and genuine, but it nevertheless lacks depth because Shampoo fundamentally misunderstands what appeals to him.

The scene to start off that flashes back to the Council and aftermath of “The March” is where that first hint really comes to her. Ranma is significantly improved over her thanks to his magic skillset, yet Shampoo doesn’t hesitate to go after him. It is, in her mind, the only choice she has. She is uncompromising, at least as much due to stubbornness as uncertainty, I think. It is a big hit to her pride and sense of self-worth if she has to lose at something.

Here too I touch on the ongoing reflection that Shampoo poses to Cologne. Cologne had been unwilling to compromise herself, after all, and while she’s stepped back at times due to that painful lesson, she’s also lived it all again thanks to the defeat at the Sorcerer village. This is something that will be explored in more detail in “The Wanderer” though.

I hope Ranma and his crackers were amusing; this little bit of melodrama struck me as a moment to work in some levity. There are a couple things going on here, though, that might get overlooked due to limited perspective. Kohl neglected to destroy the box of Hibiki’s souvenirs when the smoke detector went off in Ryōga’s house, so that’s why he has such a reaction to this information, for instance.

On balance (and thanks to a comment from Richard Ryley), I do think I will go back and tweak some of Ryōga’s dialogue to make him seem less pathetic. At minimum, Ryōga should realize that he holds Ranma to a higher standard than even himself out of jealousy, and as such, he does himself and Ranma a disservice. Still, this conversation between Shampoo and Ryōga is important, as Shampoo is trying to build alliances.

Ranma and Akane have a squabble here, also, which I left mostly intact despite some tweaks to the progression of their relationship in the drafts of chapters before and after this one. This, to me, is part of the idea that despite all they’ve realized about one another, old habits and worries don’t die instantly. They have to be continually dealt with. That’s not to say progress can’t be made, but it is, in my mind, a struggle that can be mostly, but not completely, put aside.

The rebel Sorcerers make another appearance, and this is all setting up a much bigger arc for them, but the most important part of this passage is the reintroduction of Marula—you might remember her faintly from “Monsters and Demons” or even before that. I didn’t do much with her there, and I don’t even know if I had this element in mind at the time, but this is what I’ve decided to do with the character: she too is a reflection of Shampoo. She is friendly on the one hand and sympathetic toward Shampoo for her plight, but on the other hand, she subjugates her own wishes in deference to the tribe and even suggests she would accept a slight stain of honor for the greater good. To be honest, I admit I felt a little uncertain if these traits would come off well, if this would give sufficient depth to the character, but I do hope she came across as an effective foil to Shampoo, a reminder of what she’s lost and how that’s shaped her.

This leads into the most difficult scene for me: Shampoo going to Akane’s room. To tell the truth, even to this moment I remain unconvinced that I did enough to make Shampoo’s decision here come off as within her character. Pride definitely is part of her persona, though, so I really hoped that would be enough. Shampoo’s realization of her fears and anxieties is really the moment her walls come down, the moment (I hope) that people can reconnect with her for everything that will happen moving forward.

A big battle is coming up, along with an announcement.

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